There’s just no denying it - the worst thing about starting down the road to better health is that it involves, at some point, avoiding a few stops in snack town. For many desk-bound geeks, cutting out the snacks is one of the fastest, easiest and most beneficial things it is possible to do.
Cookies, drinks, chocolate - all these things must be avoided - or at least consumed in serious moderation - if your aim is to trim off a few pounds. Some foods, more than others, must be avoided at almost any cost. These are the most fattening - and also, of course, the very tastiest - of the snacks that I have encountered during my years of slothful decadence. They are the ones that - just occasionally - I shed a nostalgic tear for.
10. Toffee Crisp
12.2g of fat per 44g bar. 227 calories. Takes the equivalent of approximately 12 hours of solid knitting to burn off.
Nestle’s Toffee Crisp is a work of art. Definitely at the “lighter” end of the chocolate bar market, it is composed of crisped rice bound with caramel and encased in a milk chocolate shell.
[Aside: My mouth is actually watering and I’ve only written the first of ten items … not good.]
9. Frazzles
5.8g of fat per pack. 121 calories. If you’re going to snack at all, these might not be a bad choice!
Smiths Bacon flavoured Frazzles are pure class. Let’s face it - anything that tastes like pig is good. Not only that, but these beauties actually taste of bacon - a rare treat among crisps that claim to taste of bacon.
8. Coca-Cola
139 calories per 330ml can. Almost all sugar. Might not sound like much, but for a drink that’s high.
Coke really needs no introduction. Unfortunately, though I know it’s bad for me, I drink it once in a while. It really is something I know I should avoid, but it does taste good. Damn that coke. I tried Diet Coke but that made be want to burn my own tongue so I didn’t have to taste it any more.
7. Cadbury Caramel
2.1g of fat per 50g bar. 240 calories. Not bad for a chocolate snack, that’ll still cost you a couple of hours brisk walking.
Surprisingly the only entrant from the mighty Cadbury on the list, the Caramel is easily the nicest of the Cadbury brand of bars. Each carefully crafted piece of chocolate conceals within itself a lake of caramel. Decadent. Delicious. Mmmm, caramel.
Unfortunately, it seems it is almost impossible to find the original Caramel these days. The only ones I seem to be able to find are the gigantic Dairy Milk with Caramel things. Not nearly as good.
6. Twix
24.4g of fat per 100g bar. 493 calories. That’s a couple of hours on the bike.
Twix from the Mars people is a caramel, cookie and chocolate bar, and an old favourite of mine. You get two sticks per pack (which means a greater surface area of chocolate covering than some comparable snacks), and a classic, honed-to-perfection-over-time taste. Can’t go wrong with Twix.
5. Yorkie
21.5g of fat per 68g bar. 367 calories. You’ll need to spend about an hour chopping wood (or something else equally manly) to use up that many calories.
Nestle’s Yorkie Bars have been going for 31 years. That’s impressive by any standards. You can understand why though - they’re just big chunks of pure chocolate. No messing around. The Yorkie is definitely Man Chocolate. Not for girls.
4. Ben Shaws Cloudy Lemonade
I couldn’t find any nutritional info for this. It seems Ben Shaws, the company, is rather behind the times. Their website is dire, and completely lacking useful content. Never mind though - I buy drinks because they taste nice, not because the manufacturer has a decent site.
A lesser known contender, Ben Shaws Cloudy Lemonade is an older-fashioned lemonade and a perfect drink for a hot summer day.
3. KitKat Chunky Peanut Butter
15.8g of fat per 50g bar. 269 calories. Around an hour of social badminton will counter the effect of one of these beauties.
Nestle’s next entrant in the top is something of a newcomer to the chocolate snack market. What it lacks in history and experience though, it makes up in explosive taste. KitKat was already the UK’s best selling brand of chocolate bar, and this new variation doesn’t stray far from the tried and tested formula. It is simply a KitKat chunky with a layer of peanut butter inside - and it tastes just as great as it sounds.
2. Maryland Cookies
2.6g of fat per cookie. 56 calories. Unfortunately, there are around 18 of these little beauties in a pack, for a mighty 900 calories per pack. To balance that kind of calorific content, you’re looking at 3 solid hours of squash. It is SO worth it.
McVities might have been trying to get themselves into the cookie market recently, but Maryland Cookies from Burton’s Foods still has this market completely sown up. These cookies are made of happiness, dreams and love. And chocolate chips. It is an oft-lamented fact - proven repeatedly in labs - that it is impossible to eat only a portion of a pack. It’s all or nothing.
Also available in - gulp - Double Chocolate.
1. Jaffa Cakes
0.97g of fat per 12g cake. 46 calories. There are 12 in a pack (552 calories, or 2 to 3 hours of running). So if … ok, when … you finish the pack, you have in fact eaten 12 whole cakes.
McVities might not own the cookie market, but that’s only because Jaffa Cakes are not considered cookies - they are cakes. More precisely, they are chocolate-covered sponge cakes with a “smashing orangey bit”, and damn are they tasty.
In 1991 McVities got themselves embroiled in a legal fight with the UK tax man to prove that Jaffa Cakes were actually cakes (which are not subject to VAT) and not cookies (which are). How did they win? They baked a giant one to prove the Jaffa Cakes were simply miniature cakes and not biscuits. Genius.
They, unsurprisingly, also have released variations of the product including Blackcurrant, Lemon and Lime and the awesome “Completely Covered in Chocolate” Jaffa Cakes.
And that’s it for the top 10. If I can last the rest of the day without heading to the nearest shop to pick up a truckload of the above to stuff my face with, it will be nothing short of a miracle.
